Malta Minced Meat
Rating Authority

This mince made me question every burger I've ever eaten. The fat marbling whispered sweet Mediterranean secrets to my pan. My nanna cried tears of joy. The cow probably lived a better life than me.

— Sebastian, Chief Mince Inspector, while sobbing into his ħobż biż-żejt

Żeppi has been grinding meat since before I was born, and it shows. The consistency is legendary. He judges you silently if you ask for less than half a kilo. Respect.

— Sebastian, slightly intimidated but well-fed

Very fancy establishment. They have air conditioning AND a number system. The mince is excellent but the prices made my wallet cry. Worth it for special occasions when you want your bolognese to feel bougie.

— Sebastian, pretending to be sophisticated

Karmnu probably knows the cow's name, birthday, and favorite field. Freshness is unmatched. The grind is a bit inconsistent - sometimes chunky, sometimes fine - like Karmnu's mood. Adds character.

— Sebastian, embracing the rustic charm

Look, I can't tell you where this van came from or where it goes. The owner only speaks in hand gestures and the price changes based on vibes. BUT somehow it made the most memorable timpana of my life. Do I recommend? I cannot legally say.

— Sebastian, no longer asking questions